Where do I start?

It has been a long few months since I last posted. Summer started, we went on our first family vacation - Florida, summer ended and the boy started 2nd grade, work is frustrating but I'm fortunate to have a job, and I'm learning to trust more.

I'm terrible at trusting. I love nearly all the trust I had when I lost custody... I'm a damned good mom and I know it...

Point being...

An old HS classmate of Manbeast's stopped by today. We spoke of a few things and quickly reestablished the rapport. This man has had a tough road to be on in life. Something was mentioned and Manbeast said that I get all bent out of shape about the subject. I tried explaining. In less than 10 minutes, I was in tears... Not of shame. Tears that I hide. Tears that I bottle in and tears that I feel ashamed of.


Growing up, tears were a sign of weakness. I got spanked for it. We cried at church and it was ok there. But I didn't like crying. Ever. And I tend to be a cryer! Imagine that.
I cried so little that if I ever cried more than a few tears...I would get blisters on and around my eyelashes. It was painful to cry.

I started crying today and when I wiped away, I was asked - "Why do you wipe them away...". I finally admitted to be ashamed of crying. I was told, each tear that falls is a path that is now cleansed.

I hate talking about my own fears. I apply my own fears, other people's fears, and just plain idiotic things to my life. I care so much about acceptance. I spend too much time worrying about losing that I lose... I lose sight of what really matters.
I lose sight of what happens everyday.

I had an unexpected therapy session and realize I have some more cleaning up to do.

I have some cleansing to get done.


P.S., watching the space shuttle launch was amazing! It hurts to know the program is over.